I’ve decided to LiveBlog the Eurovision entries, which are always good value. I’m in a positive mood, having a nice bottle of Brightwell Vineyard’s Crispin white wine and also having just seen (on pb.com) the latest opinion polls results (Tories 22 and 19 points ahead with BPIX and ComRes respectively)
Graham Norton has got off to a good start… not so the Russians!
20:03 – You just know the Russians are going to try too hard….
20:04 – Have to give it to Cirque de Soleil – they put on a good show. Why is Oliver Twist on the stage?
20:05 – I have been regularly accused of having an infantile sense of humour, but even with that caveat I have to say I think Graham Norton is going to do Sir Terry proud.
20:08 – Had forgotten what a load of insipid cack last year’s winner was.
20:10 – Host time. Chinless wonder and what appears to be a Barbie Doll.
20:12 – Lithuania – part of the Baltic Mafia. Cat in a hat. Emoting wildly. Appears to have something dubious tricking down his cheek. Turns out he wasn’t playing the piano. Nul points. The best one can say about that is that no one threw anything foetid at the stage.
20:16 – Israel – which is not in Europe. Apparently (and for the Xth year running) the song is an appeal for tolerance. One of the singers is a sort of nightmare version of Aeryn Sun from Farscape, or possibly a female Klingon.. the other appears to be Fiona Bruce. With luck a cat fight will break out. Song is wretched. Metal Bongos – the percussion instrument of the future! God, this is awful.
20:20 – France – Oh ye gods and little fishes – a living Skull. The song is OK, and she can at least sing, which is saying something by Eurovision standards. She’s stepped up a gear now – I don’t think the legacy of Edith Piaf is in much danger, to be honest.
20:24 – Sweden – Wearing a dress costing 37K euros. Opening very Abba-esque. Oh, lord, its dire. She looks like the fossilised remains of Ulrika Jonsson’s granny. She can barely sing the non-operatic bits. If anyone is missing a number of Swans, I think they are stapled to the bottom of her frock. She’s now doing an impersonation of the Diva Plava Laguna from the Fifth Element.
20:28 – Croatia – A man who clearly doesn’t fancy himself at all accompanied by a bevy of beauties whose role appears to be to wiggle around seductively. I would like to announce that Mrs Fleet has nicked the wine. Some waif clearly chosen for nubility rather than singing ability is now caterwauling at Mr Croatia.
20:32 – Portugal – A quarter of a ton of condemned veal is singing on behalf of Portugal. Very perky. Rather like it. Accordion lady is rather cute, in a slightly scary way. The stage animation has clearly been ripped off from the teletubbies. As has the singer. The drummer is clearly on day release from some sort of psychiatric institution. Whole thing is insane. Best so far.
20:35 – Iceland – Icelandic lady all teeth and makeup. Bland song. Middle backing singer appears to be Montserrat Caballe (or Monsterfat Cowbelly, as the cognoscenti call her). Rock on Miss Iceland’s finger is worth more than the entire Icelandic economy – i.e. about £11.
20:40 – Greece – Oh My F*cking God. Make him STOP! Imagine what Nick Knowles would look like performing a HiNRG anthem. It’s worse than that. Crowd loves it.
20:44 – Armenia – Sisters. That sound you can hear is Ofra Haza turning in her grave. Whole thing looks somewhat pervy.
20:47 – Russia – Apparently her father is a billionaire. The aging image in the background is beyond creepy. She’s now emoting in a manner which suggests the men in white coats are coming.
20:50 – Azerbaijan – More rather pervy dancers. Singing lady = DING DONG! She looks a saucy minx, even if she does appear to be partially cybernetic.
20:55 – Bosnia & the H place I can’t spell – The band appear to be the ghosts of a platoon of Napoleonic era soldiers – all very Sharpe’s Honour-esque. Now doing a Les Miserables pose. Not at all good.
Break – Graham mentions the heavyhandedness of the Russian police in their handling of today’s demonstrations – and good for him. Presenting woman has unstoppable winking syndrome. Mrs Fleet most critical of her bra. Personally I would need to examine it more closely to see what the problem is. If the blog ends here I have been beaten to death with a wine bottle.
21:01 – Moldova – Comedy Buxom Serving Wench from central casting, accompanied by what I can only describe as four lunatics. What were the Moldovan selectors thinking? Bet she goes like a train though.
21:04 – Malta – Named Chiara, who was also a character on Farscape. Holy Moly, she’s a big unit. Great voice though. Song sounds promising too. Might get the Fleet vote. Cheeky little wink there.
21:07 – Estonia – [Terry Thomas voice] Well hellooooooo. I wouldn’t mind rubbing some rosin up her bow…. I’ll get my coat
21:11 – Denmark – The song was written by Ronan Keating, which can’t be a good sign. The man is basically doing an impersonation of Ronan too, complete with Oirish peasant scarf. Mrs F is a the vino again. Gerroff!! Not one of Ronan’s better efforts (although most of the good stuff Ronan has sung was by Gregg Alexander anyway)
21:15- Germany – Apparently this had Dita van Teese in it. I may have to go for a lie down. The song is up there with most of Germany’s Eurovision efforts. In other words it’s awful. Why is that man wearing bacofoil trousers? All a bit Caberet. All a bit crap. Dita! Urggggg…nnnnnnnn…. nurse, the screens!
21:19 – Turkey – Dita, Schmita. MIss Turkey goes straight to the top of the Fleet chart. Ghastly song, but frankly who cares. Kind of a low-rent Shakira thing going on. The Watcher on pb.com says, and I quote, “Turkey, Phwooarrr”. A wise man, The Watcher.
21:23 – Albania – 17 year old. WTF is going on. Girl looks like an animatronic Malibu Stacy doll with hair like a King Charles Spaniel, and is accompanied by a member of the Blue Man Group and two weirdos in pantaloons. Showing admirable support for the international sisterhood, Mrs Fleet has described the Albanian poppet as “slightly knock kneed”. How sad to see a career end at 17.
21:26 – Norway – Norwegians trying to be winsome and amusing are no laughing matter. Nice of him to give two homeless caterpillars a place to live on his forehead though. The backing singers are clearly his Mum and Aunty. Apparently this is the favourite.
Hosts – What in the name of all that is holy is that woman wearing?
21:31 – Ukraine – It’s Svetlana, accompanied by some homo-erotic Spartans. Words fail me. This is beyond pervy… somebody stop her.
21:35 – Romania – Various Valkyries. Norton seems to imply something odd about who is actually doing the singing!
21:39 – UK – GO JADE! – Accompanied by what appears to be some sort of toad on the piano. My mistake. It’s Andrew Lloyd Webber. Well, the girl can sing. Although her dress looks like it is about to fall off (another bit of feminist critique from Mrs F)
21:43 – Finland – “From the sublime to the ridiculous” – Graham Norton – Crikey, it’s Aqua!
* * Roving correspondent Mrs Fleet brings us news that at the rehearsal on Friday Dita von Teese was asked to cover up, as she was ‘unsuitable for a family audience”!! * *
21:47 – Spain – Last song of the evening, thanks be unto God. The group look like the staff of a provincial hairdressers. The less said about the song the better.
The crew of the International Space Station are opening the voting – and we can now reveal that the ISS runs on Windows! Lets hope they don’t get the blue screen of death.
The FoW award for Eurovision Totty of 2009 goes to Miss Azerbaijan…